Clearing the air
by MechaLynx
Summary: FemShep and Kaidan have a heart to heart hours after the departure from Earth. Set in ME3.


I have been mulling on this one ever since that Horizon travesty happened. Now, so close to ME3's release, I want to put this on paper and out of mind. Reviews are very welcome, be extra hard on grammar!

* * *

><p>Kaidan found her on the observation deck. It's been hours since they left Earth, the tensions were running high. She had made the first rounds, shaken a few hands, taken a general concensus of the changes they made to the Normandy, but remembered absolutely nothing. Not surprising, with her mind in a thousand places, one of them back in Vancouver. She didn't bother going to her quarters or even asking where they were now that the ship was rebuilt. By now she would have a ton of reports on her desk and no particular desire to deal with them. So she snuck away to one of the few peaceful places she could think of on the ship. Thankfully the room was empty, the observation window covered by the ships armor. He entered as the shield plates folded up to open the view to the vast emptiness outside. Well, she new this was coming...<p>

"We haven't had a chance to talk since... Might as well clear the air."

She leaned back on the cold glass. "Clear the air, huh? Sure let's try _that_." Calm and diplomatic didn't work on Horizon, after all.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I don't know. Probably that the last time we spoke, you threw a fit and stormed off before I had a chance to explain."

"If I recall correctly, you didn't even try. What you did do was stand there and try to justify you backing a bunch of sadists, just because they gave you a shiny new ship."

"Justify? I wouldn't have thought that trying to stop people from dying is a good enough reason. But I guess the means to such end don't sit well with the _noble_ Commander Alenko."

"Name calling now, really?"

"I'd say noble is better than traitor. I could go for blind and bullheaded. Or how about selfish?"

"Excuse me?"

"Half the colony was gone, the other half cocooned in alien coffins and all you could do was rant about how I wasn't the Shepard you knew. The Lieutenant _I_ knew... let's just say, I expected more."

He flinched at that. "You're right about that, I couldn't think clearly then. Could you have, in my shoes?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I'd like to think I would at least ask why Cerberus and not Alliance. Look, that doesn't matter now. I'm done with Cerberus. I can't say I'm happy with the deal with that devil, but I can't say I'm ungrateful either."

"Grateful enough to cut corners, huh?"

"They brought me back, gave me a second chance. Despite the Illusive Man's claims, they could have found someone else to fight the Collectors. Or perhaps the Alliance and the Council would pull their heads out of their asses eventually... Anyway, like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm back, I have the Normandy, resources, allies, I know what we're facing. Hopefully the Council will finally understand."

"That's what matters now, huh? "

"Yes, that... and trust. I need to know that those around me are prepared and willing to go as far as I must, to have their trust."

"I trust you, Shepard."

"I don't trust you. Not after the Horizon." She held up her hand when she saw him start. "Please, let me finish. When I asked you to join me, it wasn't some empty gesture. I know what I said about you moving on, but I hoped you hadn't. I really needed you by my side, Kaidan.

"I said I'd never work with Cerberus. I still stand by that."

"I didn't ask you to work with Cerberus, I asked you to work with me."

"Back then it was hard to see the difference. I didn't know about the them resurrecting you. You have to admit that that's a tough pill to swallow, nor did you bother giving me any good reason to. But hey! If I had just abandoned everything I stood for, everything I believed and come with you, I'd have won your _precious trust_. Maybe after I've jumped though enough hoops for you, you wouldn't need someone else to warm your bed. I guess I'm glad it wasn't that Cerberus guy, but an assassin doesn't sound any better. "

He might as well have thrown a punch. Where the hell did that come from? His eyes narrowed, the expression on his face not unlike the one on Horizon.

"Joker told me." He spoke, as if reading her mind. "Think he was trying to warn me, or maybe rub in the fact that I wasn't replaceable. Why? Why did you cheat? Can't be love, since you dumped him before you returned to Earth."

"Well, as long as we're being adults here." She finally managed to reel. "Yes, that is exactly what it was. Want to know how it happened? I'll tell you regardless. Thane and I had only known each other for a few weeks. We talked. He's dying, you know. That puts a perspective on things. I felt I could be more open with him than anyone else. The others looked to me as their leader first, friend second. How could I tell them I was scared, tired, unsure of wether we'd be successful? They were busy trying to square away with their unfinished business. Thane too, but he took time to get to know me as well. He'd be gone soon enough and take all the anxiety I poured out with him. So we talked and I thought there could be more. And then came the Omega Relay. He came to me, at the precise moment when I would have given anything to not be alone. It was exactly what we both needed. Maybe what helped us all get to the Collector base and back in one piece. When the dust settled, we realized that there wasn't anything more than that, no love, that we'd be better friends than lovers, and whatever we had would end soon and not on a happy note." She smiled, remembering that small moment of respit right before the Normandy neared the Relay. Thane said he owned her his life for helping him with Kolyat. She owed him no less for giving her some peace and comfort.

Kaidan's words came back to her "Besides, I think you have to actually be in a relationship for any cheating to occur. As far as I'm concerned, I was on my own. Oh yes, I remember that letter. The one where you were quick to point out that you were busy dating. And a doctor! Your mom must be proud." _Back to being immature, Commander?_ "And that nice little cock-block near the end_. "I hate you, you Cerberus pawn. Go forth and risk your life, that's the one thing you're good for. Also let's have drinks, if you get back."_ That about sums it up?" Now he looked as if she threw a punch of her own.

"That's not what I meant. I'm sorry if it came out that way on paper." He looked away, clearly unsure of how to proceed. "I... Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

"Maybe, maybe not. We could definitely have started better, but things needed to be said. Look, Kaidan," her voice now tired, with without the sharp and bitter edge from moments before. "We could drop this now and be professionals. What I said about trust... I trust you to do your job, even though I know you'll be second guessing me. And I'd like that, like I did back on the first Normandy." Was that relief she saw? "As for the other part. I honestly don't know how we can salvage this." She held up a hand when she saw him start. "Please, don't argue, or we'll definitely say things we don't mean."

"So what do we do? I'm not ready to give this up, Shepard."

"We talk. We save good people, shoot bad people, talk about it afterwards." That's how they started after all, and for a while they were amazing, until her dying came inbetween. She wasn't planning on doing it again though, so what's the harm in trying for more? "We just need somwhere harmless to start."

"Seems so easy, when you put it like that." He kept quiet for a while. "I missed them, you know. The talks?"

"Me too." At least she'd have that again. "Now we just need somewhere nice and polite to begin. Something like the weather. Or maybe current cultural trends? Harmless enough."

"Okay, I think I got one. How've your day been?"


End file.
